■ Pappu Chala Amreeka (I)

"I believe graduate study will refine my knowledge and also serve to give direction to my goal of a career as a research professional at an academic or commercial, research-oriented organization. I intend to pursue an MS degree in order to reach that goal.." *phew* - I sounded all passionate with energy. The words echoed! I was as dynamic as Shahrukh Khan when he was delivering the 'Sattar minute' waala dialouge in 'Chak de India'. The visa officer at the consulate was convinced and granted me visa. One of my English main proficient friend had drafted that SOP for me in exchange of a dinner at pizza hut and a bottle of johnny walker (aaj kal Jai-Veeru waali dosti to rahi nahin!).

I fall in the category of people who got motivated by their Project Managers to give up their job and go for Higher studies! I always wanted to pursue masters but lacked the drive. After a month long monotonous data entry when he sent me some more excel sheets, I knew it was high time!

A week left for my scheduled flight, my near and dear had their piece of advice:

papa:Concentrate on your career! Work hard and study sincerely. Don't let yourself get distracted. (translation: don't run after chicks! study! )
do you have your documents ready?

Let me help you pack your bag! His 'Help' made sure that I took bare minimum clothes and didn't miss any of the books. Later that day,when he was not around, I removed the books and stuffed back my clothes *evil smile on my face* After I landed here, I opened my bag and found that the books had mysteriously made their way back, the clothes were gone and a small note read 'study well - love papa!'

ma:

She was worried .You should have learnt some cooking. Do u remember the Khichdi recipe I taught you y'day? It's very easy. Don't be careless with the gas. I have packed pickles, medicines in your bag. Don't use all the clothes at a time. Wash them regularly. Take shower every day! Brush your teeth twice a day.. cut your hair regularly and no piercing  or tattoo!

I think I should have accompanied you and stayed there for some time till u get settled!

You remember Mrs Sengupta's son naa?? .. (her son got married to an Amru girl) She is having trouble communicating with the girl. There is a culture clash. You study properly, don't worry about anything else. Once your MS is over, I will search for a good Indian girl for you.

my neighbour, Bannerjee Aunty:
Don't get influenced by the Western culture. I have seen their life style on TV *chee chee* (probably she was either talking about 'bold and the beautiful' or 'sex and the city' ). Don't go to pubs and stay away from girls!

my College friends:
Saale, ab teri to aish hai! I heard that they party hard. Keep us posted and haan detail main report chahiye! Don't forget to take the digicam when u go to the beach.

my S/W engg friends:
S,G and R have already gone to onsite, my H1 is in process. Once I am there, we will plan for a trip to Vegas on a long weekend!

the Newspaper boy:
bhaiya, he came close and whispered, suna hai wahan Cabaret hota hai! Yahan to Dance bar band kar diya! Yeh minister log bhi naa. He was dissapointed!


to be continued..

■ Why Me?

'CHOR CHOR, my purse!'- the female shouted for help. Moments later, I found a man running. Wasting no time, I ran towards the purse snatcher. He was fast but was no match for my athlete body with well toned muscles! After a short chase he gave up. I picked up the purse and went back to return it to the owner. To my surprise, the damsel in distress was none other than Katrina! ya ya the "just-chill" waali Katrina Kaif! My jaw dropped and I could hear the violin playing in the background! 'Thank you, this purse is special to me', the voice was mesmerizing! I could hear the birds chirping, the breeze flowing slowly and some more violins! I thought of asking her for an autograph. May be she won't mind taking a picture with me! If my friends dismiss me as a boaster, the snap with her would come handy! Its always fun to see them turn green with envy, I smirked! 'Would you like to join me for dinner tonight?' she asked! The frame froze for a moment in John Woo estyle! I could do with a Nokia 3310, instead was offered an apple iphone! I was dumbfound, could barely manage to nod my head in agreement! 'give me a call in the eve' - she started writing her mobile number on my palm! 9 - 7 she continued - 2 - ouch! Why was she writing so hard, I wondered! - 8 - the pain continued - 3 - 5 - it worsened further, unable to bear it anymore I clinched my teeth and closed my eyes!

Moments later when I opened my eyes, Katrina was gone and so was the mobile number, she was trying to engrave on my palm! My fine toned abs had vanished and were replaced with stuff that had definite potential to turn into proud love handles! The clock showed 3am. I realized, I was dreaming! I sank low! I felt an itch! An inspection of my bed, I found It staggering away from the crime scene. It was a khatmal (bed-bug), fully talli boozed with my blood that woke me up from my dream! My movie's villain was a bloody Khatmal!

The next morning when I called up my mom, she was surprised - Khatmal in USA?!! I had hard time convincing her that one can even find 'Dabur Lal Dant Manjan', 'Dabur Amla Kesh Kala Tel', 'Amrutanjan', 'Janam Ghutti' and 'NIRMA Saundarya sabun' here !

'Bed bugs!!' - the lady in the lease office was horrified. Her reaction would have been justifiable if it was a T-rex instead of bed bugs. No words spoken, we communicated though our eyes.

lady: We never had bed bugs problem before. How did you get them?

me: huh? I did not get them! (Yeah, when I was boarding the flight, my mom handed me 2 bed-bugs and was emotional - ' take them with you and feed them properly. they are an integral part of our society. They will make you feel at home!' )

lady: Aren't they common in your country?

me: uh? I never saw them in my life until I came here! (Very true! we treat them as pets! we even have special clinics to take care of them when they fall sick!)

lady: You people don't clean your apartments regularly! You People!

me: now Missy! by 'people' if u meant we bachelors, I might partially consider that! but then if you are indicating something else, then you have definitely missed the Big Brother episodes featuring our Shilpa ben!

We were handed a 3 page long list of to-dos by the exterminator! It was a field day cleaning the apartment. The couch, mattress and the furnitures had to be dumped. A lot of items that went missing under mysterious circumstances were recovered. My white T-shirt with curry stains(Aah I was making chana masala that day!) was found under the mattress, a sandal which had made its way behind the couch was united with its better half. Half a dozen pens, a nail cutter(finally P wont have an excuse for not cutting his nails) and half eaten parle-G biscuits(haan haan yeh bhi yahan milti hai!), which were trapped in between the couch cushions were safely rescued! Looking at the brighter side, what once looked like an industrial waste disposal ground was now cleaner, cozier and conducive to live! The carpets were steam cleaned and bugs were taken care of. 'Finally!' I thought, I can have a peaceful sleep tonight! I might even be lucky to get Katrina's mobile number this time!

It was a day off, so thought of taking a ride. On a deserted highway, I found a car parked by the side. As I approached near, the chauffeur waved to me for help. He came running and requested - 'the car unexpectedly broke down and Ma'am has an important job to attend. It would be kind enough, if you give her a lift!'. I was too generous to refuse! His Ma'am came out of the car. Her attire made it obvious that she was from an affluent family! she had put on a large hat which covered most of her face. 'Its truely kind of you', she was thankful in her sugary sweet voice! She got into the car and took off her hat only to surprise me! Scarlett Johansson was sitting beside me! apni to lotery lag gayi! I thanked my stars. Soon she was talking about her life in Hollywood! I was having the best ever road trip of my life! Suddenly we experienced a jolt! She was terrified and screamed 'dude!' in a deep husky voice! I was still wondering what happened to her sweet melodious voice, when the car started shaking! It was hard for me to keep my eyes open! She kept on screaming 'dude' in her baritone! The jerks were now more violent! Moments later the jolts stopped and I managed to open my eyes slowly. With my half open eyes I saw a face gazing at me. It was not Scarlett but my room mate. In his husky voice he said - 'dude, wake up! we have a class in 15 minutes!'

First it was Katrina and now Scarlett! It was too much for a loss to bear! I was furious and it showed up nice on my face. My roomie backed off a bit, it was certain, "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!!" *


*line inspired from Russell Peters - OutSourced (watch it, if you haven't yet! too good to miss!)