■ Dating Madhubala

me: M, did i ever tell you that I am fortunate to have an understanding friend like you! Our frequency match so well! A friend like you is a precious gem.. hard to find ..difficult to part with and treasured forever....The world would be a beautiful place if everyone had a friend like you!....

M was totally unmoved

M: cut the crap! tell me what do you want now? and stop picking up senti lines from eCard websites!

didn't i tell you that we just click..

me: he he he.. me thoda financially tight.. need some hari patti.
M: dude, its only first week of the month n u r out of cash??

convincing M was not easy. For situations like these, i had my tried and tested formula. An emotional blackmail by shamelessly delivering the rip off dialogues from Sholay and pointing out that Jai did everything for his dear pal Veeru, works like a charm every time! M goes senti over Sholay!

M: dramebaaz *sigh*.. but tell me what do you need it for?
me:umm.. i have a date tomorrow.

let me call my date amisha.. why amisha?? well, for one to maintain anonymity and also that was the time when she was one of my fave actress. I did not miss any of her movies even though she behaved like a patient suffering from acute asthma when she delivered an emotional rone-dhone ka dialogue! won't do? okie.. lets call her madhubala then..

M: *shocked* how the hell did YOU manage a date?!! You are neither a stud nor the studious type, he blurted out!

getting a date for me is as difficult as the addition of the number 128 to 7865 for Paris Hilton when a calculator is not around. True friends there! they never let you have a false impression of yourself.

me: it's kinda complex man.
M: i thought she wouldn't have agreed even if u managed to make her believe that u were the only guy left on the face of this earth!
me:well, i told her that my aunt's brother's friend has a friend whose sister stays with a roommate whose brother is on good terms with Shahrukh Khan's hairstylist. I promised her an autograph from the King Khan with a message specially written for her!
M: still! he nodded his head in disbelief.. anyways.. have u planned anything for the date?
me: bro! i had been doing that all morning. I have chalked out plan for the perfect date! I'll ask her to meet me near the movie theater. They are playing Austin powers - 'The Spy Who Shagged Me!'...Dr Evil, Mini-me....Its hilarious man!
"Yeah baby"...
then we go to XYZ restaurant. the chicken tandoori is a delicacy there.
Austin powers.. grand chicken feast! voilà ! I have a guaranteed perfect date!!

M goes speechless for a moment. I knew he was impressed with my plan!

M: dude, u wasted the whole morning planning this? The efficiency of your plan lies somewhere between that of Maria Sharapova's 5 yr development plan of rural India and Rakhi Sawant's proposal for this year's financial budget. You expect her to travel all the way to watch Mike Myers ripping off his pants and showing his hairy chest!then watch u hog on the tandoori...even the Neanderthal man would have better table manners than u! and as far as I know your date is a vegetarian!

me: oops! what now?
M: consult G and C. they might help you out!

G and C were the acclaimed dating gurus of our hostel.
Rumor has it that a chat friend of G from Lahore was so impressed, that she had almost made up her mind to fly down to meet him, had it not been the visa issues at the last moment!

the dating course was comprehensive and generally took significant duration for successful completion but owing to the shortage of time, I was imparted a crash course customized to serve my basic needs..

After the date as I returned to my hostel room, I found M waiting for me. There was a whole lot of junta waiting too..
News here travels fast...

M: how did it go?
me: i think she liked my company! I might hear from her...

before i cud complete...my cell phone rings with madhubala's number flashing on the screen! M was skeptical, the junta overjoyed(fraternity celebrations) and as for me, I was in my dreamland..

aah! I thought! she definitely liked my company...
the trivia that i shared with her must have impressed her...

I wonder which of them she liked the most.. was it the detailed description of the human digestive system or was it the mating details of lions and pigs..
she must found the one about the data encryption quite informative too...
guess she liked them all.. else she would not have called!
M had warned me to talk only about Shahrukh Khan, kittens and puppies but then i took my chance...
guess she has called to ask me for a date again..
hmm.. may be she has given some serious thought of choosing her life partner!
wonder if she is going to ask me to marry her?!!
marriage!! guess its a bit early!! i am yet to complete my engineering!
i am not even working!!
oh n i forgot she is a vegetarian!
no more chicken for me!! that's going to suck big time...
may be she would allow me to eat sometimes!
boy! i need to get this thing settled before anything else!

answer the call mere Mungerilaal - that was M.
Rest of the junta in the room was silent and anxious...picture this.. last ball, Harbhajan Singh facing Bret lee, India needs 6 to win..

me: hello..
madhubala: hey! i want to ask you something...
aha!.. there she goes.. but i need to settle the chicken thingy first!
me: sure.. i too have something to ask..
madhubala: oh! is it?.. go ahead..
me: its OK..you go first..
madhubala: i left my purse at the restaurant we had our lunch. The receptionist at the restaurant called and asked me to pick it up...
its already 6 pm and the girls hostel would close soon! can you please get it for me!
me: hmm ..err.. sure.. is that all?
madhubala: ya, that's all..so sweet of you.. by the way what were you saying....
me: chicken..
madhubala: chicken?
M: chicken?!!
junta: uh..chicken???
me: err..ya.. i was wondering if you have read the book.. count your chickens before they hatch.. err.. umm..never mind!

what am I saying!!
and what was I thinking!someone please hand me a bazooka... i am going to blow my brains out!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wish u all a happy new year!

■ dude, we will make it quick!

me: dude please..

my roomie:*sigh* not again!!

me: can't help it..

my roomie: you got to wait... i am bit held up..

me: dude, we will make it quick .. i promise... i have already taken off my t-shirt..

my roomie: why don't you ask someone else..

me: its embarrassing to ask anyone else.. more over you do it so well!

my roomie: okay okay.. now lie down and try to relax..



me: *ouch* it hurts bad!

my roomie: relax man.. you got to stop moving .. don't make it hard for me...

me: the gel is not effective.. i still feel the pain.

my roomie: stop being impatient! it needs sometime before it starts working..



me: *mmm* ya guess it has started working... now i feel a little better..

my roomie: hmm

me: dude.. not tht hard.. slowdown..

my roomie: oops my bad! sorry..

me: thanx for being so understanding!

my roomie: its okay man.. that's what roomies are for.... once we get married, our wives will take care.. but for now we have to help each other for situations like these, its mutual! One more thing, its better we don't talk about this to anyone..

me: absolutely.. i totally understand... anyway you get back to your work.. I won't be disturbing you anymore today but might need your help tomorrow.

my roomie: dude, I think its time to consult a doc. I don't have problem applying pain relief gel on your cramped shoulder but is not helping you much. You have been suffering for the last 4 days!

■ Maa da Ladla

■ Tera Kya Hoga Kaalia?

Some of my friends already got married, some are getting married and the rest who are not getting married in recent future are least getting committed. I am pretty sure that by the time this post is up in my blog, a bunch of my pals would have updated their status in Orkut! These days I receive more marriage invitations emails, than the number of 'discount-on-Viagra', 'mortgage-offers' and 'weight-loss-pills' spam mails put together!

Last week my maternal aunt called:

aunt: so now that u are done with your Masters and started working, have you told your mom about your girlfriend?
me: huh? girlfriend? What girlfriend?
aunt: you must be seeing someone naa..
me: nope..I am not!
aunt: seriously ?!!
me: seriously!
aunt: *pause*
me: *pause*
aunt: why?!!

She would believe Rabri Devi scorching the ramp for Manish Malhotra at Paris fashion week, Sushri Mayawati winning the Miss Universe pageant, even the free distribution of roses and promotion of valentine's day by Bajrang Dal, but me not having a girlfriend was beyond her imagination!

kasam Silpa Shetty's zero size kamar ki! I had a tough time convincing her.

aunt: oh dear! She gasped, she almost had a 'arrey yeh PSPO* nahin jaanta' - classic zor ka jhatka!
*[yester year Orient ceiling fan Ad where PSPO literate citizen are shocked when they come across a man ignorant of the PSPO concept. They humiliate him to death.The Ad makes it a point to prove that PSPO is a must know thing for all, even for a newly born baby]

Apparently for my aunt, not having a girlfriend was more disastrous than missing your Polio and DPT vaccine doses during your childhood.

aunt: you are old enough to get married now! You should start looking for a girl!
me: I thought mom is going to take care of that!
aunt: eh? All this time your parents took care of all your needs! can't you search a girl by
yourself?!! Have some pity on them!!
me: gosh! I never thought that way! ..but I am not mentally prepared now.. I need more time.
aunt: more time?! There will never be a right time! By the time you make up your mind, your friend's kids would be big enough to pull your t-shirt and demand 'chacha-chacha humko kahani sunao naa!'

You know, during my college years I had a dozen of guys after me, but your grandpa was
bent on arranged marriage and i had to end up with your uncle! *sigh*
Things have changed now!

Okey, no more wasting time. Your situation is critical! Let me help you out!
Aah! I am so excited! This is more fun than shopping! Tell me what kind of girl do you have in mind?
me: hmm...
aunt: now don't demand like typical guys..

they won't settle anything less than a hybrid of Katrina and Anjelina..
who should cook like Tarala Dalal and sing like Shreya Ghoshal..
be Gharelu types yet dress as elegant as Sarah Palin and when needed should charm you on tunes of 'beedi jalaile'!
would say 'its ok' and not make you sleep on couch even if you forgot her birthday for the third time in a row!
and let you watch "Dumb & Dumber" again while the final episode of 'kyun ki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi' is being aired!
disgusting!

me: err.. uh um...uh...( OMG!! this lady can read minds!!!)
aunt: anyways....Lets start with Orkut. There must be some girls in your 'friend list'.
me: hmm... I do have, but they are all committed!
aunt: huh? all committed? What were you doing when they were getting committed? had you gone to the Himalayas to attain spiritual knowledge?!! Anyways, how about your workplace? There must be some eligible girls in your team.
me: 'All -Male' team and all are married except me and one more guy!
aunt: O boy! What did you do to end up in a team like that? Your team lead is too smart recruiting only guys. No distractions hence increasing productivity. How about pubs?
me: last week I went to a pub near my place and got hit by 2! but...
aunt: Aah! Girls approached you! That's good! I knew you have potential. You just have to look at the right places. So did anything worked? Did you get their number?
me: well ya, in fact both of them did! but....
aunt: wow! That's great! Any desi girl among them? All Americans? Chinese? Well, I am open minded but I doubt your parents! Moreover if you end up with a Chinese, she will serve food with chop sticks! I will manage but your uncle is not a great fan of those. Last time we went to a sushi bar, he was struggling and took an hour to finish a bowl with those! So tell me how much time did you spend there? Did you call them? Oh! this is getting interesting!
me: I never called anyone!
aunt: Aiyoo!! why?? Weren't they good looking?
me: *pause* uh...
aunt: what??
me: umm... I was hit by men! That's what i was trying to tell you...

I heard her bursting into laughter, kinda like the way Sidhu does in Great Indian laughter Challenge! ... possibly she was rolling on the floor! soon my uncle joined! guess it was too much for my aunt to resist and not share with him... more giggles.. huh? Did she broadcast it to the whole colony?
That was fast! Women!
It went on for quite sometime! I was spared only after my 8 year old young cousin got curious and asked my aunt-"what's gay, Ma?!"

■ One More Reason

One more reason why I love my dad!

News excerpt courtesy ibnlive: link

Father takes son to court for idleness

Lagos: A father took his 20-year old son to an Islamic court in northern Nigeria for idleness, asking that he be sent to prison for refusing to engage in productive activities, state news agency NAN said on Friday.

"He is not listening to words and he is bringing shame to my family. I am tired of his nefarious deeds. Please put this boy in prison so that I can be free," Sama'ila Tahir, a market trader in the northeastern town of Bauchi, was quoted as saying.

Tahir told the court that his son had refused to go to school and accused him of belonging to a criminal gang.
The court sentenced the son to six months in prison and 30 strokes of the cane -- which were immediately administered on the premises -- for being disobedient to his parents, NAN said.

■ All I want

 

 

image courtesy of Pixar Presto

■ Apun bhi Salman

finally.... finally I did it.. I am elated!

I am as jubilant as tushar kapoor, after he found that the total number of people who have watched his latest movie has increased to ten as compared to just three for the last one. Two of them were from the censor board, they didn't have a choice, you see. Two movie tickets of his latest movie for guessing the third person. It was Ekta Kapoor, after all sis dear cares for her lil bro.(stats: Balaji survey, of course!)

It was not easy for me to achieve it, but this time I was as determined as Mallika Sherawat, when she decided not to wear an inch more than a little kindergarten girl does. Thriller picture ke mafik suspense create karke apun bheje pe pressure nahin dalega. Seedha topic pe aarela hoon. I have finally crossed the 5th day barrier of going to the gym! Today was the sixth day and I successfully made it to gym. Last time, precisely two years ago, I could manage to drag myself to the 'salman-arnold-sylvester' producing institution for not more than five days!

chee chee Gym jaake kya karega? - my Mom has the impression that either you are a top notch luchcha else you have to pataofy a kudi, if you are planning to tone your body pumping some iron! She rants about Salman- "kitna achcha tha woh when he started acting, aur abhi dekho, movie start hua ki nahin shirt khol ke body dikhana start ho jata hai. Besharam kahin kaa!"
Na Maa, nothing like that- I assured her and I was kinda honest!

Actual baat boleto, I have put on considerable amount of weight. The cheese on the pizzas that I had hogged on, liked me so much that it decided to stay with me for a while. Guess we all know which parts of the body they like the most! Every time I try slipping into my trousers, they scream like the suspect undergoing third degree interrogation in police lockup! My T-shirts have started hiding from me. The unfortunate ones that get caught, makes me feel like Shakti Kapoor when they beg for mercy - 'Bhagwan ke liye humpe taras khao!' Its a relief that our Indian Penal Code does not have any act for torture of our garments else I am certain, I would have been issued a non bailable warrant by now. I ain't cold hearted Gabbar Singh, so decided for some physical exertion.

My soul and body exchange the following kind of dialog baazi more or less everyday:

soul - chal ready ho jaa partner, its 6 in the morning.
body - *uhh* last night went to bed late.
soul - kha kha ke ex-AdnanSami ban gaya hai. No excuses.
body - yesterday I went to gym naa.. guess we can skip today! kal chalenge promise.
soul - mat jaa.. mereko kya.. kya pata aaj woh blondie mil jaye gym main!

6 minutes later I was in Gym...

soul - chal treadmill be running chalu kar.
body - (after 4 minutes) *panting heavily* boss, hogaya aaj ke liye! ghar chalte hain!
soul - shaane, you haven't even burnt 10 calories!
body - boss, motivation nahin aa raha hai!
soul - *hmm* close your eyes and imagine Pamela Anderson jogging on Juhu Chowpatty
beach in the morning and tu uske peeche peeche bhag rela hai...

I was on the treadmill for the next 15 minutes without any further complaints and burnt around 110 calories...

soul - bas mere PT Usha, chal ab weight utha..
body - (removing all the weights till its 10 lbs) this is easy!
soul - mamu, Farah Khan could have lifted more than this when she was pregnant with
her triplets!
Mard ban, be a Man!....

■ But Pappu Can't Dance Saala!

I am undoubtedly, a multi-talented soul! I have watched 4th, 5th, and 6th seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S in a single day! Scrubs, Prison Break, Heroes, Wonder Years have been completed by seasons in a single sitting too! Back home, I could watch 45 channels simultaneously, every channel having their fair share. The pattern would repeat in a round-robin fashion till my mother begged for remote, so that she could find out what new sarees the Bahus and Saases had put on, in the latest episode of Kabhi Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi! I have survived without a shower for 5 days. I know that there are plenty of surmas who have already challenged this limit. I wanted to stretch it for a week, but my exams started so did not dare to piss-off the prof and be thrown out of the exam hall. I also have the quality of listening to the same song repeatedly for days. Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body' number, singly ruled my music player for 12 days until my roomie pleaded for mercy. Its only the 4th day for 'Aahista-Aahista' track from "Bachna Ae Haseeno" and he is already in tears!

The skill I find interesting and ironically lacking in me is dancing. Watching dance in any form excites me. My happiness knew no bounds when I got selected for a group dance in my 3rd grade for the School Annual day function! It was a tribal dance from Sikkim. The event started and soon it was our turn to perform. The folk dance was going great until the knot of my dhoti went loose and the red boxer underneath,with prints of Mickey Mouse all over it made its public appearance. Now, who would wear a red boxer under a white dhoti! Certainly at that age, I was not deciding the color of my boxers to be worn for the day! Given a choice, I would have certainly gone for 'He-Man' instead of Mickey Mouse. I still haven't got a valid explanation from my mom!. I heard girls giggling but in the spirit of a true performer, I continued the performance in my boxer, sans the unfaithful dhoti! After this incident I developed a phobia of wearing Dhotis. Apparently, the custom of wearing dhoti is mandatory during wedding ceremonies in my region!(*mental note* double check the dhoti knot, wear a belt as a safety measure and strict no no to red boxers!). Despite the wardrobe malfunction, I have fond memories of that day.

Eighth grade, studies were cool, so thought of giving dancing a try. After a week of devoting some quality time in practice, it was time to give a demo to my mom. It was the time when Prabhu Deva and Michael Jackson defined dance. To my surprise, I was cut short midway.

maa: *shocked* what was that?
me: *puzzled* which one? (i did the steps again! I tried my best but, couldn't convince that pelvic thrusts of Prabhu Deva and crotch grab of MJ was considered cool and was the in thing!).
maa: *chee-chee* where did u learn this? no more of those! Is it from school? I will have to meet your teacher tomorrow.
me: but maa the teacher did not....
maa: no more TV..
me: but..
maa: learn something productive!
me: *hmph*

That was the ruthless end to one more cool passion of mine!

I think I look like Hrithik Roshan. Feed that macho with Mcdonald's Double Cheese burger for breakfast, Hyderabadi Chicken Biriyani for lunch and gajar ka halwa, made generously with Amul's pure ghee for desert. Give him a job in a S/W company so that he is forced to spend most of his time glued to his seat and have no time for a workout. Strap him to a chair and make him watch RGV ki Aag twice a day. A week later he would have gained enough weight and would have gone considerably out-of-proportion to have a striking resemblance with me (there might be a slight difference in height but trust me, its kinda negligible!). About the RGV movie, I read somewhere that mental trauma can have serious affect on sound physical growth and development! The only reason why "yours truely" is an Aam aadmi while Roshan Jr. is a heart-throb of millions is coz of his flawless skill to tap his feet and shake his bum to the tunes of dhoom machale. I suck there big time.

The last time when I tried to dance on our college annual day, turned out to be a disaster! It left the girls around me in total shock. One of the girls thought that I was under the attack of seizure and called for an ambulance. This upset the college ka Bhai ( Bhai had a soft corner for the benevolent girl and this made him jealous). This freaked his faithful followers and they went on a rampage. The dean issued me a notice for creating public nuisance. That was not the end. I was also out casted from the "boys-who-suck-at-dance-fraternity" for breaking the code of conduct. The rule of 'Thou shall not dance in public' strictly forbade dancing at social gatherings to save the member and his fellow sucker brothers from embarrassment. However, the fraternity did permit showing ones talent (read: making a complete fool of oneself) in secret meetings.

Its high time to admit the fact that this Pappu just can't dance!


The Fraternity in Action: identity withheld on request

■ Pappu Chala Amreeka (I)

"I believe graduate study will refine my knowledge and also serve to give direction to my goal of a career as a research professional at an academic or commercial, research-oriented organization. I intend to pursue an MS degree in order to reach that goal.." *phew* - I sounded all passionate with energy. The words echoed! I was as dynamic as Shahrukh Khan when he was delivering the 'Sattar minute' waala dialouge in 'Chak de India'. The visa officer at the consulate was convinced and granted me visa. One of my English main proficient friend had drafted that SOP for me in exchange of a dinner at pizza hut and a bottle of johnny walker (aaj kal Jai-Veeru waali dosti to rahi nahin!).

I fall in the category of people who got motivated by their Project Managers to give up their job and go for Higher studies! I always wanted to pursue masters but lacked the drive. After a month long monotonous data entry when he sent me some more excel sheets, I knew it was high time!

A week left for my scheduled flight, my near and dear had their piece of advice:

papa:Concentrate on your career! Work hard and study sincerely. Don't let yourself get distracted. (translation: don't run after chicks! study! )
do you have your documents ready?

Let me help you pack your bag! His 'Help' made sure that I took bare minimum clothes and didn't miss any of the books. Later that day,when he was not around, I removed the books and stuffed back my clothes *evil smile on my face* After I landed here, I opened my bag and found that the books had mysteriously made their way back, the clothes were gone and a small note read 'study well - love papa!'

ma:

She was worried .You should have learnt some cooking. Do u remember the Khichdi recipe I taught you y'day? It's very easy. Don't be careless with the gas. I have packed pickles, medicines in your bag. Don't use all the clothes at a time. Wash them regularly. Take shower every day! Brush your teeth twice a day.. cut your hair regularly and no piercing  or tattoo!

I think I should have accompanied you and stayed there for some time till u get settled!

You remember Mrs Sengupta's son naa?? .. (her son got married to an Amru girl) She is having trouble communicating with the girl. There is a culture clash. You study properly, don't worry about anything else. Once your MS is over, I will search for a good Indian girl for you.

my neighbour, Bannerjee Aunty:
Don't get influenced by the Western culture. I have seen their life style on TV *chee chee* (probably she was either talking about 'bold and the beautiful' or 'sex and the city' ). Don't go to pubs and stay away from girls!

my College friends:
Saale, ab teri to aish hai! I heard that they party hard. Keep us posted and haan detail main report chahiye! Don't forget to take the digicam when u go to the beach.

my S/W engg friends:
S,G and R have already gone to onsite, my H1 is in process. Once I am there, we will plan for a trip to Vegas on a long weekend!

the Newspaper boy:
bhaiya, he came close and whispered, suna hai wahan Cabaret hota hai! Yahan to Dance bar band kar diya! Yeh minister log bhi naa. He was dissapointed!


to be continued..

■ Why Me?

'CHOR CHOR, my purse!'- the female shouted for help. Moments later, I found a man running. Wasting no time, I ran towards the purse snatcher. He was fast but was no match for my athlete body with well toned muscles! After a short chase he gave up. I picked up the purse and went back to return it to the owner. To my surprise, the damsel in distress was none other than Katrina! ya ya the "just-chill" waali Katrina Kaif! My jaw dropped and I could hear the violin playing in the background! 'Thank you, this purse is special to me', the voice was mesmerizing! I could hear the birds chirping, the breeze flowing slowly and some more violins! I thought of asking her for an autograph. May be she won't mind taking a picture with me! If my friends dismiss me as a boaster, the snap with her would come handy! Its always fun to see them turn green with envy, I smirked! 'Would you like to join me for dinner tonight?' she asked! The frame froze for a moment in John Woo estyle! I could do with a Nokia 3310, instead was offered an apple iphone! I was dumbfound, could barely manage to nod my head in agreement! 'give me a call in the eve' - she started writing her mobile number on my palm! 9 - 7 she continued - 2 - ouch! Why was she writing so hard, I wondered! - 8 - the pain continued - 3 - 5 - it worsened further, unable to bear it anymore I clinched my teeth and closed my eyes!

Moments later when I opened my eyes, Katrina was gone and so was the mobile number, she was trying to engrave on my palm! My fine toned abs had vanished and were replaced with stuff that had definite potential to turn into proud love handles! The clock showed 3am. I realized, I was dreaming! I sank low! I felt an itch! An inspection of my bed, I found It staggering away from the crime scene. It was a khatmal (bed-bug), fully talli boozed with my blood that woke me up from my dream! My movie's villain was a bloody Khatmal!

The next morning when I called up my mom, she was surprised - Khatmal in USA?!! I had hard time convincing her that one can even find 'Dabur Lal Dant Manjan', 'Dabur Amla Kesh Kala Tel', 'Amrutanjan', 'Janam Ghutti' and 'NIRMA Saundarya sabun' here !

'Bed bugs!!' - the lady in the lease office was horrified. Her reaction would have been justifiable if it was a T-rex instead of bed bugs. No words spoken, we communicated though our eyes.

lady: We never had bed bugs problem before. How did you get them?

me: huh? I did not get them! (Yeah, when I was boarding the flight, my mom handed me 2 bed-bugs and was emotional - ' take them with you and feed them properly. they are an integral part of our society. They will make you feel at home!' )

lady: Aren't they common in your country?

me: uh? I never saw them in my life until I came here! (Very true! we treat them as pets! we even have special clinics to take care of them when they fall sick!)

lady: You people don't clean your apartments regularly! You People!

me: now Missy! by 'people' if u meant we bachelors, I might partially consider that! but then if you are indicating something else, then you have definitely missed the Big Brother episodes featuring our Shilpa ben!

We were handed a 3 page long list of to-dos by the exterminator! It was a field day cleaning the apartment. The couch, mattress and the furnitures had to be dumped. A lot of items that went missing under mysterious circumstances were recovered. My white T-shirt with curry stains(Aah I was making chana masala that day!) was found under the mattress, a sandal which had made its way behind the couch was united with its better half. Half a dozen pens, a nail cutter(finally P wont have an excuse for not cutting his nails) and half eaten parle-G biscuits(haan haan yeh bhi yahan milti hai!), which were trapped in between the couch cushions were safely rescued! Looking at the brighter side, what once looked like an industrial waste disposal ground was now cleaner, cozier and conducive to live! The carpets were steam cleaned and bugs were taken care of. 'Finally!' I thought, I can have a peaceful sleep tonight! I might even be lucky to get Katrina's mobile number this time!

It was a day off, so thought of taking a ride. On a deserted highway, I found a car parked by the side. As I approached near, the chauffeur waved to me for help. He came running and requested - 'the car unexpectedly broke down and Ma'am has an important job to attend. It would be kind enough, if you give her a lift!'. I was too generous to refuse! His Ma'am came out of the car. Her attire made it obvious that she was from an affluent family! she had put on a large hat which covered most of her face. 'Its truely kind of you', she was thankful in her sugary sweet voice! She got into the car and took off her hat only to surprise me! Scarlett Johansson was sitting beside me! apni to lotery lag gayi! I thanked my stars. Soon she was talking about her life in Hollywood! I was having the best ever road trip of my life! Suddenly we experienced a jolt! She was terrified and screamed 'dude!' in a deep husky voice! I was still wondering what happened to her sweet melodious voice, when the car started shaking! It was hard for me to keep my eyes open! She kept on screaming 'dude' in her baritone! The jerks were now more violent! Moments later the jolts stopped and I managed to open my eyes slowly. With my half open eyes I saw a face gazing at me. It was not Scarlett but my room mate. In his husky voice he said - 'dude, wake up! we have a class in 15 minutes!'

First it was Katrina and now Scarlett! It was too much for a loss to bear! I was furious and it showed up nice on my face. My roomie backed off a bit, it was certain, "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad!!" *


*line inspired from Russell Peters - OutSourced (watch it, if you haven't yet! too good to miss!)

■ Me, Myself and My Exams!

It was 3 in the night, I was in my room, surfing. K was in deep sleep, as usual with his eyes open ( kya mast GOD gift hai! he can dare to sleep while sitting in the front row of the class! for long, I was unaware of his ability. One day when I pointed towards a magazine featuring Rakhi Saawant wearing a dress, half the size of my handkerchief to which he didn't react, I knew something was wrong!) Suddenly H barged into the room panting. He was tensed. I tried to figure out the reason. Did the hostel superintendent found out that we were sneaking out regularly for late night movies or did S failed to manage the first day first show tickets for 'Charlie's Angels 2'! The 'karamchand' inside me could not think of anything more gruesome. H found his breath and in an alarming voice said ' its less than 2 weeks for the exam and i am still in the 5th chapter!'

"teri to.." it was K, wide awake, what followed was a stream of adjectives expressing his unhappiness due to the sudden interruption of his sound sleep. H happens to be a sincere member of the 'padhne likhne waale' elite club. He is among the honhaar types whom the teachers would know by name and not the color of shirt one wears, would attend all classes, sit on the front bench and would finish the course even before the semester starts! I was relieved! At least it was not the tickets! I made some mental calculations and then comforted him - "chill maar boss, 12 days to go and its only 6 chapters. 2 ka average! tension mat le..ho jaayega! Abhi junior 'American Pie 2' ka CD deke gaya hai. chal dekhte hain, S and M ko ping kar diya hai, they too are joining".

10 minutes to go for the exam, I was sitting in the class retrospecting. 12 days kaise kate pata bhi nahin chala! I haven't prepared well. Suddenly a thought crossed my mind. What if I fail?! my friends would laugh at me, my dad would kick me out! I would be thrown out of college! I won't be able to get a good job! then I would have to work as chaiwaala for a living! my wife would be forced to work as a kaamwaali! Unable to meet ends, my kids, Chintu and Munni would have to drop out of school! Chintu would end up in bad company! He would start smoking and do drugs and be the muhalle ka lafanga! Unable to tolerate anymore my wife would regret -" Agar Chintu ke papa ek exam paas ho jate to M ki biwi ki tarah main bhi har week shopping ke liye jaati! aur dopahar ko 'kabhi Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi' dekh rahi hoti!!... Chintu aur Munni ko bhi yeh din dekhna nahin padta!" Eeeks!! I screamed louder than Paris Hilton would, if she found a rat in her closet! I froze to death! I shivered! I sent an SMS! SMS bole to "SAVE MY SOUL"! I sent it to the ALMIGHTY to save me and subsequently save Chintu from turning into the awaara luchcha!

The SMS : "bhagwaan jee!! ab aapse kya chupana, aapko to sab pata hai! mera beda paar lagwaado! This time I have not prepared well but then I had been a gud guy, I dont have drinking problems! ladkion ko bhi nahin chedta! I promise I'll study next time! plz take care of me this time! aaj hi shaam ko jaakar madir main 2 nariyal chadhaunga! 2 week ke liye koi bhi movie nahin dekhunga! K ko 1 more hr daily computer use karne dunga! I will attend all the classes from next semester, sit on the first row and take notes regularly! ek dum sacchi! I promise! plz plz this is the last time!"

The bell rang, I kept praying as hard as I could, added some more conditions to my prayer that I would abide by, in case He lends an ear to my prayer! Finally the question paper was handed to me! One swift glance and I found only the 1st question attemptable, I could vaguely recollect the topics of 2nd and 3rd question and the rest of the questions were as much familiar to me as the recipe of Chicken Biriyani to Mariah Carey! probably my SMS did not reach HIM.

I wrote whatever I knew about the topic. I wrote in xtra large fonts with xtra long spaces! After struggling for half an hour I could barely fill two pages! I had all the time in the world and nothing to write so thought of watching what others were doing. I found the following classes of people:

the padhne waale: They are sincere. They are the only kinds who actually love exams! they have so much to write that even the allotted exam time falls short! When asked, how they performed in the exam, they would make a gloomy face and whine ' ek dum kharab!, i left part of 5th question ka b) category! it was of worth 0.5 marks!

the superstitious types: this group is physically distinguishable from others! part of them would not cut their hair or shave during the exam month! probably they believe that whatever they learn gets stored in the hair , so trimming them would be disastrous! some would wear their lucky shirt and write with the pen they consider it to be lucky! and finally the ones who would not take bath! I wonder what would be the underlying logic!

the bhai: they are a constant pain to those who sit around them during the exam! You are determined this time, not to show your answers to them! One 'bahar chal, tere ko dekhta hoon' look from them and you succumb to their irrational demand again! Save your self from being manhandled! afterall, jaan hai to jahan hai!


the micro xerox: if asked, "arrey bhai, network layers waala question ka answer bata!" they promptly reply you back - "OSI layer ka first 2 layers ka detail, right shoe ke socks ke andar hai, next 2 layers ka detail shirt ke left sleeve ke fold main hain and rest 3 layers ke liye washroom jaana padega.. thoda andar hai!"

'need some help?' I was interrupted. It was M. She must have seen me sitting idle. It was a relief! but then the gandhigiri in me was uncomfortable! "satya ke rah pe chalo" opposed the inner voice within! I knew it was right but the thought of Chintu holding a daaru ki botal and singing 'aati kya khandala' at the gali ke nukkad when the muhalle ke girls pass by, put me in a dilemma! I did not copy-paste but took some pointers from her and jaise-taise finished my exam! I promised myself to study next time!

That evening when H came complaining again about the next exam- "its a difficult subject, lots to cover and this time we have only a week", I was serious but was worn out with whatever I went through in the morning. I made him sit and said, 'its been a hectic day today, thoda relax karte hain and then from tomorrow, we will start with full passion!"

Needless to say the 'tomorrow' never came! I am sitting in the exam room with the question paper in my hand having not even the slightest idea about the questions! even worse M has a seat far away from me!

When will I grow up!
kya hoga mere Chintu ka!