■ look ma .. my sketch got published!

sometimes what Ma says turns out to be correct....let me rephrase it.. most of the time what Ma says  turns out to be correct... umm .... who am i kidding.. she is correct each and every time!

The last time when I pledged myself that I'll never sketch in my life, she was wise enough to ignore my amateurish decision. She made me take drawing courses and had said.. 'bachche, you are going to thank me some day!'.

Years passed by, nothing happened. I joined college. I thought, may be I could woo girls with my sketches ( it's not me, blame the copious amount of testosterone) but then who would care for a guy with a pencil and paper when there was a dude who could play violin like SRK did in Mohabbaten or the guy who sang like sonu nigam. Chicks dug them...aur ek gaana sunao naa... woh waali dhun bajao naa.....I had cursed myself one more time for taking drawing courses.
(both are very close friends of mine :)  K sings awesome, R plays too good! )

Some more years passed by, as usual not much happened.
One day I got a comment to one of my sketch on this very blog, requesting for a commissioned sketch for a book cover! Imagine Fardeen Khan's reaction if he gets a call from Christopher Nolan for casting him in his upcoming movie!

I was like..was someone messing with me?? a practical joke may be...things like this don't happen to me..it was too good to be true!

my sketch got published.. yep, once again mom proved herself right :)

Greatful thanks to K.Mathur for writing the novel "Never Mind Yaar" and giving me an opportunity to contribute.

kind request to all - if you liked the excerpts of the book please do spread about the novel "NEVER MIND YAAR"

Here is my sketch on the novel's website.

Here are the links:

• Never Mind Yaar: http://nevermindyaar.com/ 
• blank
• About the book

■ Maa da Ladla

■ Apun bhi Salman

finally.... finally I did it.. I am elated!

I am as jubilant as tushar kapoor, after he found that the total number of people who have watched his latest movie has increased to ten as compared to just three for the last one. Two of them were from the censor board, they didn't have a choice, you see. Two movie tickets of his latest movie for guessing the third person. It was Ekta Kapoor, after all sis dear cares for her lil bro.(stats: Balaji survey, of course!)

It was not easy for me to achieve it, but this time I was as determined as Mallika Sherawat, when she decided not to wear an inch more than a little kindergarten girl does. Thriller picture ke mafik suspense create karke apun bheje pe pressure nahin dalega. Seedha topic pe aarela hoon. I have finally crossed the 5th day barrier of going to the gym! Today was the sixth day and I successfully made it to gym. Last time, precisely two years ago, I could manage to drag myself to the 'salman-arnold-sylvester' producing institution for not more than five days!

chee chee Gym jaake kya karega? - my Mom has the impression that either you are a top notch luchcha else you have to pataofy a kudi, if you are planning to tone your body pumping some iron! She rants about Salman- "kitna achcha tha woh when he started acting, aur abhi dekho, movie start hua ki nahin shirt khol ke body dikhana start ho jata hai. Besharam kahin kaa!"
Na Maa, nothing like that- I assured her and I was kinda honest!

Actual baat boleto, I have put on considerable amount of weight. The cheese on the pizzas that I had hogged on, liked me so much that it decided to stay with me for a while. Guess we all know which parts of the body they like the most! Every time I try slipping into my trousers, they scream like the suspect undergoing third degree interrogation in police lockup! My T-shirts have started hiding from me. The unfortunate ones that get caught, makes me feel like Shakti Kapoor when they beg for mercy - 'Bhagwan ke liye humpe taras khao!' Its a relief that our Indian Penal Code does not have any act for torture of our garments else I am certain, I would have been issued a non bailable warrant by now. I ain't cold hearted Gabbar Singh, so decided for some physical exertion.

My soul and body exchange the following kind of dialog baazi more or less everyday:

soul - chal ready ho jaa partner, its 6 in the morning.
body - *uhh* last night went to bed late.
soul - kha kha ke ex-AdnanSami ban gaya hai. No excuses.
body - yesterday I went to gym naa.. guess we can skip today! kal chalenge promise.
soul - mat jaa.. mereko kya.. kya pata aaj woh blondie mil jaye gym main!

6 minutes later I was in Gym...

soul - chal treadmill be running chalu kar.
body - (after 4 minutes) *panting heavily* boss, hogaya aaj ke liye! ghar chalte hain!
soul - shaane, you haven't even burnt 10 calories!
body - boss, motivation nahin aa raha hai!
soul - *hmm* close your eyes and imagine Pamela Anderson jogging on Juhu Chowpatty
beach in the morning and tu uske peeche peeche bhag rela hai...

I was on the treadmill for the next 15 minutes without any further complaints and burnt around 110 calories...

soul - bas mere PT Usha, chal ab weight utha..
body - (removing all the weights till its 10 lbs) this is easy!
soul - mamu, Farah Khan could have lifted more than this when she was pregnant with
her triplets!
Mard ban, be a Man!....

■ But Pappu Can't Dance Saala!

I am undoubtedly, a multi-talented soul! I have watched 4th, 5th, and 6th seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S in a single day! Scrubs, Prison Break, Heroes, Wonder Years have been completed by seasons in a single sitting too! Back home, I could watch 45 channels simultaneously, every channel having their fair share. The pattern would repeat in a round-robin fashion till my mother begged for remote, so that she could find out what new sarees the Bahus and Saases had put on, in the latest episode of Kabhi Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi! I have survived without a shower for 5 days. I know that there are plenty of surmas who have already challenged this limit. I wanted to stretch it for a week, but my exams started so did not dare to piss-off the prof and be thrown out of the exam hall. I also have the quality of listening to the same song repeatedly for days. Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body' number, singly ruled my music player for 12 days until my roomie pleaded for mercy. Its only the 4th day for 'Aahista-Aahista' track from "Bachna Ae Haseeno" and he is already in tears!

The skill I find interesting and ironically lacking in me is dancing. Watching dance in any form excites me. My happiness knew no bounds when I got selected for a group dance in my 3rd grade for the School Annual day function! It was a tribal dance from Sikkim. The event started and soon it was our turn to perform. The folk dance was going great until the knot of my dhoti went loose and the red boxer underneath,with prints of Mickey Mouse all over it made its public appearance. Now, who would wear a red boxer under a white dhoti! Certainly at that age, I was not deciding the color of my boxers to be worn for the day! Given a choice, I would have certainly gone for 'He-Man' instead of Mickey Mouse. I still haven't got a valid explanation from my mom!. I heard girls giggling but in the spirit of a true performer, I continued the performance in my boxer, sans the unfaithful dhoti! After this incident I developed a phobia of wearing Dhotis. Apparently, the custom of wearing dhoti is mandatory during wedding ceremonies in my region!(*mental note* double check the dhoti knot, wear a belt as a safety measure and strict no no to red boxers!). Despite the wardrobe malfunction, I have fond memories of that day.

Eighth grade, studies were cool, so thought of giving dancing a try. After a week of devoting some quality time in practice, it was time to give a demo to my mom. It was the time when Prabhu Deva and Michael Jackson defined dance. To my surprise, I was cut short midway.

maa: *shocked* what was that?
me: *puzzled* which one? (i did the steps again! I tried my best but, couldn't convince that pelvic thrusts of Prabhu Deva and crotch grab of MJ was considered cool and was the in thing!).
maa: *chee-chee* where did u learn this? no more of those! Is it from school? I will have to meet your teacher tomorrow.
me: but maa the teacher did not....
maa: no more TV..
me: but..
maa: learn something productive!
me: *hmph*

That was the ruthless end to one more cool passion of mine!

I think I look like Hrithik Roshan. Feed that macho with Mcdonald's Double Cheese burger for breakfast, Hyderabadi Chicken Biriyani for lunch and gajar ka halwa, made generously with Amul's pure ghee for desert. Give him a job in a S/W company so that he is forced to spend most of his time glued to his seat and have no time for a workout. Strap him to a chair and make him watch RGV ki Aag twice a day. A week later he would have gained enough weight and would have gone considerably out-of-proportion to have a striking resemblance with me (there might be a slight difference in height but trust me, its kinda negligible!). About the RGV movie, I read somewhere that mental trauma can have serious affect on sound physical growth and development! The only reason why "yours truely" is an Aam aadmi while Roshan Jr. is a heart-throb of millions is coz of his flawless skill to tap his feet and shake his bum to the tunes of dhoom machale. I suck there big time.

The last time when I tried to dance on our college annual day, turned out to be a disaster! It left the girls around me in total shock. One of the girls thought that I was under the attack of seizure and called for an ambulance. This upset the college ka Bhai ( Bhai had a soft corner for the benevolent girl and this made him jealous). This freaked his faithful followers and they went on a rampage. The dean issued me a notice for creating public nuisance. That was not the end. I was also out casted from the "boys-who-suck-at-dance-fraternity" for breaking the code of conduct. The rule of 'Thou shall not dance in public' strictly forbade dancing at social gatherings to save the member and his fellow sucker brothers from embarrassment. However, the fraternity did permit showing ones talent (read: making a complete fool of oneself) in secret meetings.

Its high time to admit the fact that this Pappu just can't dance!


The Fraternity in Action: identity withheld on request

■ Pappu Chala Amreeka (I)

"I believe graduate study will refine my knowledge and also serve to give direction to my goal of a career as a research professional at an academic or commercial, research-oriented organization. I intend to pursue an MS degree in order to reach that goal.." *phew* - I sounded all passionate with energy. The words echoed! I was as dynamic as Shahrukh Khan when he was delivering the 'Sattar minute' waala dialouge in 'Chak de India'. The visa officer at the consulate was convinced and granted me visa. One of my English main proficient friend had drafted that SOP for me in exchange of a dinner at pizza hut and a bottle of johnny walker (aaj kal Jai-Veeru waali dosti to rahi nahin!).

I fall in the category of people who got motivated by their Project Managers to give up their job and go for Higher studies! I always wanted to pursue masters but lacked the drive. After a month long monotonous data entry when he sent me some more excel sheets, I knew it was high time!

A week left for my scheduled flight, my near and dear had their piece of advice:

papa:Concentrate on your career! Work hard and study sincerely. Don't let yourself get distracted. (translation: don't run after chicks! study! )
do you have your documents ready?

Let me help you pack your bag! His 'Help' made sure that I took bare minimum clothes and didn't miss any of the books. Later that day,when he was not around, I removed the books and stuffed back my clothes *evil smile on my face* After I landed here, I opened my bag and found that the books had mysteriously made their way back, the clothes were gone and a small note read 'study well - love papa!'

ma:

She was worried .You should have learnt some cooking. Do u remember the Khichdi recipe I taught you y'day? It's very easy. Don't be careless with the gas. I have packed pickles, medicines in your bag. Don't use all the clothes at a time. Wash them regularly. Take shower every day! Brush your teeth twice a day.. cut your hair regularly and no piercing  or tattoo!

I think I should have accompanied you and stayed there for some time till u get settled!

You remember Mrs Sengupta's son naa?? .. (her son got married to an Amru girl) She is having trouble communicating with the girl. There is a culture clash. You study properly, don't worry about anything else. Once your MS is over, I will search for a good Indian girl for you.

my neighbour, Bannerjee Aunty:
Don't get influenced by the Western culture. I have seen their life style on TV *chee chee* (probably she was either talking about 'bold and the beautiful' or 'sex and the city' ). Don't go to pubs and stay away from girls!

my College friends:
Saale, ab teri to aish hai! I heard that they party hard. Keep us posted and haan detail main report chahiye! Don't forget to take the digicam when u go to the beach.

my S/W engg friends:
S,G and R have already gone to onsite, my H1 is in process. Once I am there, we will plan for a trip to Vegas on a long weekend!

the Newspaper boy:
bhaiya, he came close and whispered, suna hai wahan Cabaret hota hai! Yahan to Dance bar band kar diya! Yeh minister log bhi naa. He was dissapointed!


to be continued..

■ CHOTE MIYAN

'Are u sure??' she asked, the receptionist was somewhat wary. She was checking the personal details that I had submitted for the university record. I knew exactly what made her give me the 'don't-be-smart-pants' look. I stood there like the kid who was caught stealing cookies from kitchen. Reluctantly, I took the document back, decreased the entry against the HEIGHT field by three inches and shoved it back.

I had been a satisfied guy. I don't dream of sharing a cubicle with Mr. Gates, don't have the fancy of being on the advisory committee of our honorable Mr. President, I don't even fantasize of being on a date with Scarlett Johansson! um uh err jyada ho gaya.. guess, you can spare the last one. Whatever, my whole point is that I am a nearly-contented guy. I am glad the way I am, except for one small regret. I am not quite happy with my height. It is limited to the extent that Shakil O'Neil is a giant on my scale. Its doubtful that I might not to be considered an average-height-male even in Japan! This didn't make me very happy. I am half as happy as the white guy whose blond wife recently gave birth to an African-American triplet! Believe me, its not at all a pleasant experience, when you shop for your clothes in the section where the sign reads 'under 16 years'.

While in school, my mother had to specially request my teachers to allow me to take the front seats, not because she thought that I was a sincere whiz-kid, dug books and had a 'i-know-everything' halo circling my head but for obvious reasons.

My mother tried her best, made sure that I had every health drink available in the market. Any new commercial whose tag line went 'badhte bachchon ke liye' would be included in my daily diet! I had the one, which Sachin revealed, was 'the secret of his energy'. I even had the one which featured the then young-Ayesha Takia as the growing girl, her mother apparently pissed as the girl was growing by leaps and bounds and her skirts were falling short frequently ( guess she is still regular with that drink! chota-trivia: the boy in the Ad is Shahid Kapoor) Everything possible was tried n tested but could not help me add even a tenth of an inch to my immensely poor stats.

With the cable TV subscription, I was introduced to the world of Teleshopping. An ultimate wonderland that introduces the viewers to ultimate gadgets and commodities. The famous of them being the weight-loss cream, boasting to have the capability to turn anyone into slim-trim Mallika Sherawat, without even shedding a drop of sweat and the wonder-oil that would force hair even on the shiny bare head of Rakesh Roshan! But the Ad that attracted my attention the most, was the height-booster-foot-sole. A girl is shown whining about not being able to lure guys coz of her short height, also a guy, completely humiliated by his so-called tall friends, laments - 'pehle mujhe bahut sharm aati thi... main kahin bahar jaana pasand nahin karta tha... mujhe mere dost chidhate the'. After constant use of the product for a month, miracle happens, both the 'zamana ka sataya' victims gain the badly needed extra inch! the guy regains his long lost confidence and gladly narrates 'ab mujhe bahut achcha mehsus hota hai... main ab party ki jaan ban gaya hoon!' and the girl is equally happy. In short the magic-sole has transformed them into Brad pitt and Angelina jolie respectively, charming everyone on their way!

I was enchanted! The Ad mesmerized me! Finally, I thought, my pursuit of eternal happiness was over. My key to charm the 'colony-ki-heart-throb' was just a phone ring away and had a price tag of Rs 999 only!

I never made the call. May be, coz of the fact that I eventually realized that Sachin hitting a smashing boundary, Maradona scoring the winning goal, Amir Khan delivering one block-buster after another and girls falling for the macho Salman is not limited by their short structure.

■ Mummy da Dhaba

Roti and mixed-veg! Again??!! I would make a disgusting face followed by a 'yuck' of 140 decibel when my mother served me the same dinner two days in a row despite the fact that the other five days had chicken masala, chicken biriyani, paneer makhani, kashmiri pulav and navratan korma on the menu, everything customized to suit my taste!

Needless to say that my mother loved to cook for me and I hopelessly misused this privilege far more than the minister who exploited his privileges to end up in a 80 crore scam (small amount haan?? guess, he could not exploit it to the fullest!). I was a spoilt kid and definitely my demands for the lavish cuisine continued to be one of her royal pains till i left for college! She made the best but I would find a reason to complain!

First day in college, before leaving for classes in the morning I noticed that the menu at the hostel dining room read 'chili chicken' and 'veg-korma'. The day was hectic but the menu for the night kept my spirits high! I even skipped my evening snacks to reserve some extra room for the chicken (back then I was a voracious-rapacious-carnivorous homosapien). Clock struck 9 and I was at dining room only to find that the much awaited 'chili chicken' was a disaster. I don't even want to talk about the 'korma'! If invited, I am certain even the severely starved people of Somalia would have outright rejected the offer! I was horrified, as horrified as the teenage girl who was left alone in a Dolby Digital theater and made to watch 'the exorcist', 'bhoot' and 'Akshay-Anil-Nana-starrer-Welcome' back to back (you can surely count on the last one too!). I missed my mother's dishes!

Before coming to US the only thing i knew to 'cook' was maggie (most of the time had to be satisfied with the half cooked one). I once made upma too but then i guess the half burnt, salt less broth won't qualify. My room mates were supportive. Either they gobbled the food I made, with a big glass of water else they made sure to have their dinner outside on days when it was my turn to cook.

I miss my mom's 'masala alu' every time I shove the half baked potato curry down my throat. The frozen roti can never make upto the 'fulke' she used to serve me hot. The 'tofu' is not even close to her 'chili paneer'. Standing in the Subway queue to place an order for a cold six-inch sub stuffed with few slices of tomato and jalapeño, after having the same leftover curry for four days in a row, twice a day makes me realize what a snub I was. If only I can make it up to her!

■ Wanted to be a BHAI!

I wanted to be a BHAI, not the behno ka committed bhai, who has to be more vigilant than the body guards of President Bush, protecting their 'innocent pyaari si choti bahena' from the 'awara-lafanga' dude who has a friend circle, of which the most intellectual one is a class 8 drop out, thinks Filmfare is India's Highest Gallantry Award and Bipasha Basu to be the grand daughter of West Bengal ex-CM, Jyoti Basu (till last week i too thought the same!).

While I was a kid, if the guests visiting our house, would ask me my ambition, I would be all excited to tell them about my decision to pursue the BHAI career but then my mother's 'say-exactly-what-i-tought-you-else-you-are-in-deep-trouble' intimidating look would leave no choice but to reply 'i-want-to-be-a-doctor-like-my-dad' dejectedly!. I am sure the BHAI log who are successful today had more supportive mothers! Poor me!

Despite this, I was determined about my passion! as determined as Edison making the first bulb glow. I grew up with my parents trying to inject frequent heavy-doses of values and morals into me but the Gandhigiri did not impress me as much as 'Leave the gun, take the cannoli' and 'I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse' of Don Corleone did! The BHAI world fascinated me. Your reply of 'Don't worry Sir, I will take care of it' when your PM points out a bug in your code is such a yawner whereas 'Aye Mamu,chill maar, khali pili dimag pe tension mat le, BP ki waat lagegi, Apun abhi isko line pe laata hai!' is all animated and also shows your concern for the PM's health!

The SOCIAL BHAI COMMUNITY, the elite members of which have dedicated their lives for Social Service! Drunken driving, License got confiscated? for 2 wheelers contact PULSAR-BHAI and 4 wheelers are taken care by SANTRO-BHAI (ZEN-BHAI is equally good!). DRY day in your region, got b'day to celebrate? JOHNNIE-BHAI comes to rescue. Your heart goes 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai' over the next door 'Rani' but the 6'2 macho with overdeveloped biceps comes in your way,No Gham only Khushi, ROMEO-BHAI takes care of it (charges vary depending on the duration, you intend to keep the guy in hospital). Made a promise to your girlfriend to take her to the first-day-first-show of a Hrithik starrer, only to find out that the tickets got sold out till next week, not to worry, our '2 KA 4-BHAI' saves your day! She is happy, says she loves you 327 times throughout the movie!
Mamu, yeh social service nahin hai to kya hai! BHAI log is prevalent in nearly every part of your life, working diligently to make it run smooth!


As a BHAI, I would have concentrated on the Students problem which has not been catered to the fullest. Confused if bicuspid valves are in kidney or in the intestine, the day before medical entrance exam but still want to be a doctor, you know whom to contact. Assignment due in fluid-dynamics, the topper has solved it but won't show it to you, fikar naat, samjho ho gaya! Got term paper tomorrow, spent the whole day with your lady love celebrating(you have just completed 4 weeks together, of course it was her idea!) and don't have slightest idea of the syllabus, success guaranteed- 'Main Hoon Naa'! All services of course at subsidized rates.

Things were going great. I was so close to my dream job when 'Ab tak Chhappan' spread havoc in the BHAI community(A NanaPatekar starrer which depicts a cop, hell bent to wipe the BHAI species from the face of the earth). I was still steady but the constant nagging of my mother and warning from my father to disown, if I don't choose a 'more respectable' career proved the real sprit crusher.

Parents should be a bit more supportive!

■ I'll never sketch in my life!

"I will never ever sketch in my life!" I swore that in the name of Sridevi when I was a kid (back then Sridevi ruled all over my adolescent heart, currently Katrina and Drew Barrymore share a joint account).

I cud sense that my mother had plans running in the back of her mind to add 'value' to my as such worthless life. During a usual gossip session with next door neighbor Mrs. Sen, mom learnt that her daughter was going for singing lessons. She became determined as ever and I ended up getting enrolled in a drawing course!

Wondering whats bad with a drawing course? well,even my grey cells weren't developed enough to foresee the fact that my classes were scheduled on sundays. 'SUNDAYS' were as important to me as election day to Obama! A regular morning on those days would go me firmly glued with the idiot box.

Hell broke loose. My mom was now between me and my weekly dose of much awaited pure joy! I pleaded for mercy, was out right rejected in 'high court'. Only hope now left was the Supreme Court! I build up my case, pointed out that it will affect my studies and all other reasons that my 'chota sa dimaag' could think of! To my horror the verdict went against me! I cried loud, cried hard, cried while eating, while sleeping but could not move the lady! Injustice was done to the minority!

The day arrived, was accompanied by mother to the institute. I was not the only one serving the sentence. A bunch of toddlers were also victim of the injustice. The pain and sorrow was visible. Back then If Aamir Khan wud have planned for his directorial debut with TZP, I wud have been the most suitable candidate!

I missed Mickey mouse, TaleSpin, DuckTales, Tom n Jerry to name a few! While the fortunate ones watched He-Man (my fave till date, I had the He-Man toy from Mattel and worshiped it!), I was left to make circles and lines. I will never ever forget those miserable days.

It was not before long that the squares I drew, started having four sides, cows got four legs, birds which were tired flying were given legs to rest, the desert started having palm tree in place of the coniferous pine and kids got five fingers, even the missing nose.

Honest enough, the magnificent portraits by Jack Dawson, the character played by Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic inspired me for figure sketches. I have come a long way now with the aversion finally turning to a passion. I njoy my sketches. Gratitude to my dad who has constantly supported me, my art teacher for his patience of teaching this 'Fardeen Khan' to 'act' and specially to my mother for shoving me to the art institute - thanx Maa.