■ Apun bhi Salman

finally.... finally I did it.. I am elated!

I am as jubilant as tushar kapoor, after he found that the total number of people who have watched his latest movie has increased to ten as compared to just three for the last one. Two of them were from the censor board, they didn't have a choice, you see. Two movie tickets of his latest movie for guessing the third person. It was Ekta Kapoor, after all sis dear cares for her lil bro.(stats: Balaji survey, of course!)

It was not easy for me to achieve it, but this time I was as determined as Mallika Sherawat, when she decided not to wear an inch more than a little kindergarten girl does. Thriller picture ke mafik suspense create karke apun bheje pe pressure nahin dalega. Seedha topic pe aarela hoon. I have finally crossed the 5th day barrier of going to the gym! Today was the sixth day and I successfully made it to gym. Last time, precisely two years ago, I could manage to drag myself to the 'salman-arnold-sylvester' producing institution for not more than five days!

chee chee Gym jaake kya karega? - my Mom has the impression that either you are a top notch luchcha else you have to pataofy a kudi, if you are planning to tone your body pumping some iron! She rants about Salman- "kitna achcha tha woh when he started acting, aur abhi dekho, movie start hua ki nahin shirt khol ke body dikhana start ho jata hai. Besharam kahin kaa!"
Na Maa, nothing like that- I assured her and I was kinda honest!

Actual baat boleto, I have put on considerable amount of weight. The cheese on the pizzas that I had hogged on, liked me so much that it decided to stay with me for a while. Guess we all know which parts of the body they like the most! Every time I try slipping into my trousers, they scream like the suspect undergoing third degree interrogation in police lockup! My T-shirts have started hiding from me. The unfortunate ones that get caught, makes me feel like Shakti Kapoor when they beg for mercy - 'Bhagwan ke liye humpe taras khao!' Its a relief that our Indian Penal Code does not have any act for torture of our garments else I am certain, I would have been issued a non bailable warrant by now. I ain't cold hearted Gabbar Singh, so decided for some physical exertion.

My soul and body exchange the following kind of dialog baazi more or less everyday:

soul - chal ready ho jaa partner, its 6 in the morning.
body - *uhh* last night went to bed late.
soul - kha kha ke ex-AdnanSami ban gaya hai. No excuses.
body - yesterday I went to gym naa.. guess we can skip today! kal chalenge promise.
soul - mat jaa.. mereko kya.. kya pata aaj woh blondie mil jaye gym main!

6 minutes later I was in Gym...

soul - chal treadmill be running chalu kar.
body - (after 4 minutes) *panting heavily* boss, hogaya aaj ke liye! ghar chalte hain!
soul - shaane, you haven't even burnt 10 calories!
body - boss, motivation nahin aa raha hai!
soul - *hmm* close your eyes and imagine Pamela Anderson jogging on Juhu Chowpatty
beach in the morning and tu uske peeche peeche bhag rela hai...

I was on the treadmill for the next 15 minutes without any further complaints and burnt around 110 calories...

soul - bas mere PT Usha, chal ab weight utha..
body - (removing all the weights till its 10 lbs) this is easy!
soul - mamu, Farah Khan could have lifted more than this when she was pregnant with
her triplets!
Mard ban, be a Man!....

■ CHOTE MIYAN

'Are u sure??' she asked, the receptionist was somewhat wary. She was checking the personal details that I had submitted for the university record. I knew exactly what made her give me the 'don't-be-smart-pants' look. I stood there like the kid who was caught stealing cookies from kitchen. Reluctantly, I took the document back, decreased the entry against the HEIGHT field by three inches and shoved it back.

I had been a satisfied guy. I don't dream of sharing a cubicle with Mr. Gates, don't have the fancy of being on the advisory committee of our honorable Mr. President, I don't even fantasize of being on a date with Scarlett Johansson! um uh err jyada ho gaya.. guess, you can spare the last one. Whatever, my whole point is that I am a nearly-contented guy. I am glad the way I am, except for one small regret. I am not quite happy with my height. It is limited to the extent that Shakil O'Neil is a giant on my scale. Its doubtful that I might not to be considered an average-height-male even in Japan! This didn't make me very happy. I am half as happy as the white guy whose blond wife recently gave birth to an African-American triplet! Believe me, its not at all a pleasant experience, when you shop for your clothes in the section where the sign reads 'under 16 years'.

While in school, my mother had to specially request my teachers to allow me to take the front seats, not because she thought that I was a sincere whiz-kid, dug books and had a 'i-know-everything' halo circling my head but for obvious reasons.

My mother tried her best, made sure that I had every health drink available in the market. Any new commercial whose tag line went 'badhte bachchon ke liye' would be included in my daily diet! I had the one, which Sachin revealed, was 'the secret of his energy'. I even had the one which featured the then young-Ayesha Takia as the growing girl, her mother apparently pissed as the girl was growing by leaps and bounds and her skirts were falling short frequently ( guess she is still regular with that drink! chota-trivia: the boy in the Ad is Shahid Kapoor) Everything possible was tried n tested but could not help me add even a tenth of an inch to my immensely poor stats.

With the cable TV subscription, I was introduced to the world of Teleshopping. An ultimate wonderland that introduces the viewers to ultimate gadgets and commodities. The famous of them being the weight-loss cream, boasting to have the capability to turn anyone into slim-trim Mallika Sherawat, without even shedding a drop of sweat and the wonder-oil that would force hair even on the shiny bare head of Rakesh Roshan! But the Ad that attracted my attention the most, was the height-booster-foot-sole. A girl is shown whining about not being able to lure guys coz of her short height, also a guy, completely humiliated by his so-called tall friends, laments - 'pehle mujhe bahut sharm aati thi... main kahin bahar jaana pasand nahin karta tha... mujhe mere dost chidhate the'. After constant use of the product for a month, miracle happens, both the 'zamana ka sataya' victims gain the badly needed extra inch! the guy regains his long lost confidence and gladly narrates 'ab mujhe bahut achcha mehsus hota hai... main ab party ki jaan ban gaya hoon!' and the girl is equally happy. In short the magic-sole has transformed them into Brad pitt and Angelina jolie respectively, charming everyone on their way!

I was enchanted! The Ad mesmerized me! Finally, I thought, my pursuit of eternal happiness was over. My key to charm the 'colony-ki-heart-throb' was just a phone ring away and had a price tag of Rs 999 only!

I never made the call. May be, coz of the fact that I eventually realized that Sachin hitting a smashing boundary, Maradona scoring the winning goal, Amir Khan delivering one block-buster after another and girls falling for the macho Salman is not limited by their short structure.