■ But Pappu Can't Dance Saala!

I am undoubtedly, a multi-talented soul! I have watched 4th, 5th, and 6th seasons of F.R.I.E.N.D.S in a single day! Scrubs, Prison Break, Heroes, Wonder Years have been completed by seasons in a single sitting too! Back home, I could watch 45 channels simultaneously, every channel having their fair share. The pattern would repeat in a round-robin fashion till my mother begged for remote, so that she could find out what new sarees the Bahus and Saases had put on, in the latest episode of Kabhi Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi! I have survived without a shower for 5 days. I know that there are plenty of surmas who have already challenged this limit. I wanted to stretch it for a week, but my exams started so did not dare to piss-off the prof and be thrown out of the exam hall. I also have the quality of listening to the same song repeatedly for days. Mariah Carey's 'Touch My Body' number, singly ruled my music player for 12 days until my roomie pleaded for mercy. Its only the 4th day for 'Aahista-Aahista' track from "Bachna Ae Haseeno" and he is already in tears!

The skill I find interesting and ironically lacking in me is dancing. Watching dance in any form excites me. My happiness knew no bounds when I got selected for a group dance in my 3rd grade for the School Annual day function! It was a tribal dance from Sikkim. The event started and soon it was our turn to perform. The folk dance was going great until the knot of my dhoti went loose and the red boxer underneath,with prints of Mickey Mouse all over it made its public appearance. Now, who would wear a red boxer under a white dhoti! Certainly at that age, I was not deciding the color of my boxers to be worn for the day! Given a choice, I would have certainly gone for 'He-Man' instead of Mickey Mouse. I still haven't got a valid explanation from my mom!. I heard girls giggling but in the spirit of a true performer, I continued the performance in my boxer, sans the unfaithful dhoti! After this incident I developed a phobia of wearing Dhotis. Apparently, the custom of wearing dhoti is mandatory during wedding ceremonies in my region!(*mental note* double check the dhoti knot, wear a belt as a safety measure and strict no no to red boxers!). Despite the wardrobe malfunction, I have fond memories of that day.

Eighth grade, studies were cool, so thought of giving dancing a try. After a week of devoting some quality time in practice, it was time to give a demo to my mom. It was the time when Prabhu Deva and Michael Jackson defined dance. To my surprise, I was cut short midway.

maa: *shocked* what was that?
me: *puzzled* which one? (i did the steps again! I tried my best but, couldn't convince that pelvic thrusts of Prabhu Deva and crotch grab of MJ was considered cool and was the in thing!).
maa: *chee-chee* where did u learn this? no more of those! Is it from school? I will have to meet your teacher tomorrow.
me: but maa the teacher did not....
maa: no more TV..
me: but..
maa: learn something productive!
me: *hmph*

That was the ruthless end to one more cool passion of mine!

I think I look like Hrithik Roshan. Feed that macho with Mcdonald's Double Cheese burger for breakfast, Hyderabadi Chicken Biriyani for lunch and gajar ka halwa, made generously with Amul's pure ghee for desert. Give him a job in a S/W company so that he is forced to spend most of his time glued to his seat and have no time for a workout. Strap him to a chair and make him watch RGV ki Aag twice a day. A week later he would have gained enough weight and would have gone considerably out-of-proportion to have a striking resemblance with me (there might be a slight difference in height but trust me, its kinda negligible!). About the RGV movie, I read somewhere that mental trauma can have serious affect on sound physical growth and development! The only reason why "yours truely" is an Aam aadmi while Roshan Jr. is a heart-throb of millions is coz of his flawless skill to tap his feet and shake his bum to the tunes of dhoom machale. I suck there big time.

The last time when I tried to dance on our college annual day, turned out to be a disaster! It left the girls around me in total shock. One of the girls thought that I was under the attack of seizure and called for an ambulance. This upset the college ka Bhai ( Bhai had a soft corner for the benevolent girl and this made him jealous). This freaked his faithful followers and they went on a rampage. The dean issued me a notice for creating public nuisance. That was not the end. I was also out casted from the "boys-who-suck-at-dance-fraternity" for breaking the code of conduct. The rule of 'Thou shall not dance in public' strictly forbade dancing at social gatherings to save the member and his fellow sucker brothers from embarrassment. However, the fraternity did permit showing ones talent (read: making a complete fool of oneself) in secret meetings.

Its high time to admit the fact that this Pappu just can't dance!


The Fraternity in Action: identity withheld on request

■ CHOTE MIYAN

'Are u sure??' she asked, the receptionist was somewhat wary. She was checking the personal details that I had submitted for the university record. I knew exactly what made her give me the 'don't-be-smart-pants' look. I stood there like the kid who was caught stealing cookies from kitchen. Reluctantly, I took the document back, decreased the entry against the HEIGHT field by three inches and shoved it back.

I had been a satisfied guy. I don't dream of sharing a cubicle with Mr. Gates, don't have the fancy of being on the advisory committee of our honorable Mr. President, I don't even fantasize of being on a date with Scarlett Johansson! um uh err jyada ho gaya.. guess, you can spare the last one. Whatever, my whole point is that I am a nearly-contented guy. I am glad the way I am, except for one small regret. I am not quite happy with my height. It is limited to the extent that Shakil O'Neil is a giant on my scale. Its doubtful that I might not to be considered an average-height-male even in Japan! This didn't make me very happy. I am half as happy as the white guy whose blond wife recently gave birth to an African-American triplet! Believe me, its not at all a pleasant experience, when you shop for your clothes in the section where the sign reads 'under 16 years'.

While in school, my mother had to specially request my teachers to allow me to take the front seats, not because she thought that I was a sincere whiz-kid, dug books and had a 'i-know-everything' halo circling my head but for obvious reasons.

My mother tried her best, made sure that I had every health drink available in the market. Any new commercial whose tag line went 'badhte bachchon ke liye' would be included in my daily diet! I had the one, which Sachin revealed, was 'the secret of his energy'. I even had the one which featured the then young-Ayesha Takia as the growing girl, her mother apparently pissed as the girl was growing by leaps and bounds and her skirts were falling short frequently ( guess she is still regular with that drink! chota-trivia: the boy in the Ad is Shahid Kapoor) Everything possible was tried n tested but could not help me add even a tenth of an inch to my immensely poor stats.

With the cable TV subscription, I was introduced to the world of Teleshopping. An ultimate wonderland that introduces the viewers to ultimate gadgets and commodities. The famous of them being the weight-loss cream, boasting to have the capability to turn anyone into slim-trim Mallika Sherawat, without even shedding a drop of sweat and the wonder-oil that would force hair even on the shiny bare head of Rakesh Roshan! But the Ad that attracted my attention the most, was the height-booster-foot-sole. A girl is shown whining about not being able to lure guys coz of her short height, also a guy, completely humiliated by his so-called tall friends, laments - 'pehle mujhe bahut sharm aati thi... main kahin bahar jaana pasand nahin karta tha... mujhe mere dost chidhate the'. After constant use of the product for a month, miracle happens, both the 'zamana ka sataya' victims gain the badly needed extra inch! the guy regains his long lost confidence and gladly narrates 'ab mujhe bahut achcha mehsus hota hai... main ab party ki jaan ban gaya hoon!' and the girl is equally happy. In short the magic-sole has transformed them into Brad pitt and Angelina jolie respectively, charming everyone on their way!

I was enchanted! The Ad mesmerized me! Finally, I thought, my pursuit of eternal happiness was over. My key to charm the 'colony-ki-heart-throb' was just a phone ring away and had a price tag of Rs 999 only!

I never made the call. May be, coz of the fact that I eventually realized that Sachin hitting a smashing boundary, Maradona scoring the winning goal, Amir Khan delivering one block-buster after another and girls falling for the macho Salman is not limited by their short structure.